Hello my lovelies,
I apologise in advance but this is gonna be a long one! There's a lot going on in my head so hey, why not share? No one has to read if they don't want to, I figured.
I've just spent a few minutes changing my blog header (more pink! Less pink? Some nice handwriting! Not mine...) and by chance happened to notice the amount of posts I've put up this year.
16.
Halfway through the year and I have only managed to post sixteen times?! Aghast at my utter lack of productivity with regard to this little space of internet that is mine, I promptly set to analysing why I have let this happen. Blame work! Oh yes, full-time work doesn't leave much time for blogging, and admittedly when I get home most evenings I can't even bring myself to turn my laptop on after staring at a screen all day. But really, it shouldn't be an excuse. I have a smartphone. I have weekends. I have some free time. Really, it's just laziness (and exhaustion). Plus it is an issue for hundreds of other bloggers I follow and they all pull it off, heck, even I pull it off some of the time (sixteen times now apparently).
Lack of inspiration? I don't think I can blame this either. I read enough blogs and have so many thoughts and ideas off the back of them, inspiration from things I see or try or read, that if I took the time to write about them my blog would be never-ending. God knows I own enough clothes to write about all the time! Let's try something else.
Photographs! No, this isn't really an issue. Looking back through my photo folders this year I have plenty of pictures not yet shown on the blog. Not even uploaded to Facebook (although somehow there are over 1000 pictures of me on there. Wow). Admittedly I don't get many that pass my standards as I don't like forcing Jon to take pictures of me as he gets bored quickly. I also have a fancy new(ish) camera, a couple of lenses to play with, a tripod that hasn't broken yet, and the aforementioned smartphone for emergencies. So what's the problem here?
It's not easy to admit, for something that must surely plague a lot of other people. But back to the standards I mentioned... I just don't think I live up to my own most of the time. So many occasions where I have forced Jon to take pictures of me ("Come on, just a few for the blog!") and then I get home and...bleurgh. My tummy is sticking out. Urgh, those arms. I can't believe I thought that dress was flattering! What is going ON with those brows? My hair? My skin? Let's crop it. No, that's even worse! I can't do this...
And the laptop turns off. I genuinely don't know what comes over me. I don't like to think of myself as a person with low self-esteem. I'm quite happy with my life. I am loved. I have a job and a home. I'm not ill. I don't consider myself "fat" as such - don't get me wrong, I am plump and just about contained by a size 14, and could probably afford to lose a couple of stone, but I'm not about to hide myself away in a hole because of it. There are worse things in life than carrying a few extra pounds - trust me, I've been there. I've been slimmer and I've been larger and when I was at my skinniest I was also at my unhappiest, so it's hard for me to reconcile weight with general happiness. But over the past year I've noticed the weight begin to creep on due to a number of factors and I wonder if this is affecting the way I feel about posting photos of myself online.
The thing is though, I've never looked at my blogposts and thought "wow I look good" before. That's not the point for me. I don't want to promote any sort of beauty ideal, I don't want to boast about the way I look or make anyone envious or aspire to be like me. I like clothes, and I like make-up and I like talking about clothes and make-up. I also feel it's easier to talk about these while showing what I am talking about. I find it inspirational reading other blogs and seeing how other people dress and make themselves up - it gives me ideas, regardless of what size they are or how flawless their skin is. When I post I hope I'm doing the same for my readers - perhaps they considered buying that dress and if it looks alright on me it might swing their decision! That mascara made my stubby lashes look good - might work well for you too! But I'm not going to lie, it does boost my own confidence when people comment on how pretty this dress was, or how nice my hair looked in that picture. So there is definitely a link and even an element of narcissism in the whole thing - I pick and choose my pictures so carefully now, knowing they'll be scrutinised by whoever lands on my page. If I don't like my chin or my arms or heaven forbid if the tummy looks enormous then I delete the photo.
But... I don't do the same to other people. I don't read other blogs and think they look fat in that top, or that colour does nothing for them, the way I criticise myself. In fact, I actually prefer reading blogs by people the same size as me or similar, because I figure if they look good maybe I don't look so bad?
Today I went out on a limb and wore shorts and a T-shirt out, in the big wide world, because it was simply too hot to cover up. It was terrifying - I spent the whole day stressing about my ugly feet and unevenly toned legs, wobbly thighs, flabby arms, massive stomach, grotesquely large chest and spotty skin. But nothing happened. No one stopped me in the street to tell me to cover up. No one pointed and laughed. No one gawped in horror or covered their child's eyes. So maybe, just maybe, I could post some of the outfits that didn't pass my standards. Why shouldn't I be honest, after all?
I didn't post this because several other bloggers have since worn the same dress and looked much better than I did:
I didn't post this because my dark circles looked like I had been punched and my hair was a mess (on reflection I actually quite like this photo!)
And I didn't post this because my arms and chest look vast and also ghostly pale in comparison to the rest of me. There's roughly eight tummy rolls in there too.
Before anyone queries it I would just like to make it clear that I'm not writing this to invite a bunch of comments telling me I'm being silly and look great, or accusing me of fishing for compliments - that's not the point! I think blogging really does put an onus on showing the best of you - and I totally get that - but who decides what is the best? Are we too harsh on ourselves? Do people want to see more realistic and honest accounts of other people's lives, or should bloggers gloss over the "ugly" side of things and only show what people want to see? I think I like a bit of both - reading aspirational blogs is great and I love the ideas I get from them but at the same time I beat myself up because I'm not as pretty as llymlrs, not as sophisticated as The Londoner, I don't rock a dress like essbeevee, my photographs don't hold a candle to Rachel Phipps, and I'm not as stylish or photogenic as Carrie from Wishwishwish. And I wonder if this is why I hold myself back and refuse to post anything I don't classify as "good enough" to show the world.
What do you think about the whole self-esteem through blogging thing? Is it helping or actually making things worse? I think there are positives and negatives about putting yourself out there on the internet but am always happy to see what other people think :) I for one am going to try and relax my standards a bit, even if I don't look like a size 12 in that dress or if my skin's playing up again, because really, does anybody care?
Love Dani
xoxo
Disclaimer - I picked those blogs specifically only because I've read posts from them today and so they are fresh in mind, no other reason :)
I apologise in advance but this is gonna be a long one! There's a lot going on in my head so hey, why not share? No one has to read if they don't want to, I figured.
I've just spent a few minutes changing my blog header (more pink! Less pink? Some nice handwriting! Not mine...) and by chance happened to notice the amount of posts I've put up this year.
16.
Halfway through the year and I have only managed to post sixteen times?! Aghast at my utter lack of productivity with regard to this little space of internet that is mine, I promptly set to analysing why I have let this happen. Blame work! Oh yes, full-time work doesn't leave much time for blogging, and admittedly when I get home most evenings I can't even bring myself to turn my laptop on after staring at a screen all day. But really, it shouldn't be an excuse. I have a smartphone. I have weekends. I have some free time. Really, it's just laziness (and exhaustion). Plus it is an issue for hundreds of other bloggers I follow and they all pull it off, heck, even I pull it off some of the time (sixteen times now apparently).
Lack of inspiration? I don't think I can blame this either. I read enough blogs and have so many thoughts and ideas off the back of them, inspiration from things I see or try or read, that if I took the time to write about them my blog would be never-ending. God knows I own enough clothes to write about all the time! Let's try something else.
Photographs! No, this isn't really an issue. Looking back through my photo folders this year I have plenty of pictures not yet shown on the blog. Not even uploaded to Facebook (although somehow there are over 1000 pictures of me on there. Wow). Admittedly I don't get many that pass my standards as I don't like forcing Jon to take pictures of me as he gets bored quickly. I also have a fancy new(ish) camera, a couple of lenses to play with, a tripod that hasn't broken yet, and the aforementioned smartphone for emergencies. So what's the problem here?
It's not easy to admit, for something that must surely plague a lot of other people. But back to the standards I mentioned... I just don't think I live up to my own most of the time. So many occasions where I have forced Jon to take pictures of me ("Come on, just a few for the blog!") and then I get home and...bleurgh. My tummy is sticking out. Urgh, those arms. I can't believe I thought that dress was flattering! What is going ON with those brows? My hair? My skin? Let's crop it. No, that's even worse! I can't do this...
And the laptop turns off. I genuinely don't know what comes over me. I don't like to think of myself as a person with low self-esteem. I'm quite happy with my life. I am loved. I have a job and a home. I'm not ill. I don't consider myself "fat" as such - don't get me wrong, I am plump and just about contained by a size 14, and could probably afford to lose a couple of stone, but I'm not about to hide myself away in a hole because of it. There are worse things in life than carrying a few extra pounds - trust me, I've been there. I've been slimmer and I've been larger and when I was at my skinniest I was also at my unhappiest, so it's hard for me to reconcile weight with general happiness. But over the past year I've noticed the weight begin to creep on due to a number of factors and I wonder if this is affecting the way I feel about posting photos of myself online.
The thing is though, I've never looked at my blogposts and thought "wow I look good" before. That's not the point for me. I don't want to promote any sort of beauty ideal, I don't want to boast about the way I look or make anyone envious or aspire to be like me. I like clothes, and I like make-up and I like talking about clothes and make-up. I also feel it's easier to talk about these while showing what I am talking about. I find it inspirational reading other blogs and seeing how other people dress and make themselves up - it gives me ideas, regardless of what size they are or how flawless their skin is. When I post I hope I'm doing the same for my readers - perhaps they considered buying that dress and if it looks alright on me it might swing their decision! That mascara made my stubby lashes look good - might work well for you too! But I'm not going to lie, it does boost my own confidence when people comment on how pretty this dress was, or how nice my hair looked in that picture. So there is definitely a link and even an element of narcissism in the whole thing - I pick and choose my pictures so carefully now, knowing they'll be scrutinised by whoever lands on my page. If I don't like my chin or my arms or heaven forbid if the tummy looks enormous then I delete the photo.
But... I don't do the same to other people. I don't read other blogs and think they look fat in that top, or that colour does nothing for them, the way I criticise myself. In fact, I actually prefer reading blogs by people the same size as me or similar, because I figure if they look good maybe I don't look so bad?
Today I went out on a limb and wore shorts and a T-shirt out, in the big wide world, because it was simply too hot to cover up. It was terrifying - I spent the whole day stressing about my ugly feet and unevenly toned legs, wobbly thighs, flabby arms, massive stomach, grotesquely large chest and spotty skin. But nothing happened. No one stopped me in the street to tell me to cover up. No one pointed and laughed. No one gawped in horror or covered their child's eyes. So maybe, just maybe, I could post some of the outfits that didn't pass my standards. Why shouldn't I be honest, after all?
I didn't post this because several other bloggers have since worn the same dress and looked much better than I did:
I didn't post this because my dark circles looked like I had been punched and my hair was a mess (on reflection I actually quite like this photo!)
And I didn't post this because my arms and chest look vast and also ghostly pale in comparison to the rest of me. There's roughly eight tummy rolls in there too.
Before anyone queries it I would just like to make it clear that I'm not writing this to invite a bunch of comments telling me I'm being silly and look great, or accusing me of fishing for compliments - that's not the point! I think blogging really does put an onus on showing the best of you - and I totally get that - but who decides what is the best? Are we too harsh on ourselves? Do people want to see more realistic and honest accounts of other people's lives, or should bloggers gloss over the "ugly" side of things and only show what people want to see? I think I like a bit of both - reading aspirational blogs is great and I love the ideas I get from them but at the same time I beat myself up because I'm not as pretty as llymlrs, not as sophisticated as The Londoner, I don't rock a dress like essbeevee, my photographs don't hold a candle to Rachel Phipps, and I'm not as stylish or photogenic as Carrie from Wishwishwish. And I wonder if this is why I hold myself back and refuse to post anything I don't classify as "good enough" to show the world.
What do you think about the whole self-esteem through blogging thing? Is it helping or actually making things worse? I think there are positives and negatives about putting yourself out there on the internet but am always happy to see what other people think :) I for one am going to try and relax my standards a bit, even if I don't look like a size 12 in that dress or if my skin's playing up again, because really, does anybody care?
Love Dani
xoxo
Disclaimer - I picked those blogs specifically only because I've read posts from them today and so they are fresh in mind, no other reason :)
[Part one of two possibly three]
ReplyDeleteHi my name is Jon and I believe I get a few mentions on here.
Firstly I would like to start of by saying that 16 blog posts in a year is not actually that bad, it is 363 days since my last blogpost. This is mostly due to my becoming disenchanted with football, strike that, footballers. I still love the game, I still have my season ticket at Charlton and go every other weekend with my dad, but I cannot stand the attitudes that have become part and parcel with the game. But this is not why I have come here today (I'm not sure I have been here before, I blame the pink).
This evening, after a big day out at bluewater (seriously, I was dragged into Dorothy Perkins again, I barely escaped with my life) Dani wrote a post on her blog. Usually she does this and leaves it up to all of you to read, but tonight she asked me to read it and I am glad she did.
Lets start off with the thing about me taking pictures as I am sure it will all spiral out of control from there. Yes I do get bored of taking pictures, this is a general thing, but with regards to Dani it is much more specific. I think she looks perfect in every picture, the ones where I take them out of focus, the weird angles, the ones where I get everything wrong, etc, etc.
I get frustrated.
Dani deletes them all, not because of my "special effects" but because she doesn't like herself in them.
She says this about her looks wrong, why did she do that, where did those come from...
I look at the picture and see the prettiest, most perfect girl in the world, Dani looks at it and well... I don't know what she sees.
She deletes them all. (I have taken to doing rapid fire pictures now, if there are hundreds before she gets the camera back she is liable to get bored before she can delete them all)
And so the spiralling begins...
The tummy thing. What is this? Many nights I lay there and ponder:
"why does she think she has a tummy?"
"Has she bought a house of horrors mirror?"
"If her non-existant tummy is a tummy does that mean I am a sumo wrestler? All these years I have been on the wrong career path!"
(right about now I am wondering if there is a character limit on comments, I must remember to copy this into notepad just in case!)
My only explanation for the "tummy", she bends forward to look at it. I challenge each and every one of you now to bend forward and look at your stomach, all of a sudden you have... where is the quote... "roughly eight tummy rolls in there too." But this isn't what Dani sees. She sees herself through whatever is the opposite of rose tinted glasses.
The next level of the spiral.
The shorts and the legs. I don't know why but Dani doesn't like her legs. It has taken 4 years and a trip to Disney in Florida to make Dani realise that it is ok for her to go out in shorts. I like her in shorts. Especially the ones she wore today, tight jean shorts... I better stop there, her sisters read this.
I know Dani has self esteem issues, she won't admit it, wouldn't is maybe a better word, the legs were one thing, the tip of the iceberg. I hoped that if I could help her break that vicious cycle she would then start to gain the self esteem she should have.
I think we are all guilty of that, believing the worst of ourselves, except maybe the worst of us. Those who put others down because they think they are the most beautiful, and yet maybe that is their way of dealing with their own insecurities, not that it makes it any better.
[Part two of two not three]
ReplyDeleteAnd another spiral.
Somewhere up there Dani mentioned her arms, she refers to them as bingo wings... The only way my simple mind can contemplate this is that Dani has never seen real bingo wings. I also hate that phrase.
She has lovely arms, to me they are wonderful, they're there to hug me when I need them. They're strong enough to help me carry the shopping back from Sainsbury's (8 bags is my limit, especially when there are potatoes and bottles of ribena, I won't use the "granny trolley"). But most importantly, in terms of this blog, they look beautiful in all dresses, tops, cardigans, cheesy christmas jumpers, everything basically. I want Dani to see this.
I want Dani to see the face I see when I wake up next to her.
I want her to see the way she lights up every room.
I want her to see the beauty of the fire behind her eyes when I annoy her.
I want her to see the way all clothes burst into life when she puts them on. (seriously Dan, if you get this far through my post, my Charlton shirt has never looked so good as when you where it... Next birthday, or Christmas... preferably tomorrow...)
I want her to see the millions of things I notice everyday, the things that make me get up in the morning and look forward to coming home at night. The million new things I notice every day. The sparkle that brings me so much joy and if I did not have it tomorrow, my world would be incomplete.
Mostly, I just want her to see how perfect she is to me. It's a long hard battle, I know her self esteem will improve because I want her to be as happy as possible and I am as stubborn as hell when I want to be.
I will leave you with a quote from a pair of great philosophers, the Aristotle and Socrates of our day as it were. Liam and Noel Gallagher. (as I don't remember which one wrote this song)
"True perfection has to be imperfect. I know that that sounds foolish but it's true."
To each person this probably means something different. But to me... Everyone, no matter who they are, will find something they don't like about themselves. Hair, nose, arms, something. But it is these little imperfections that will make you perfect for someone else, and that person is out there. You just have to find them.
Having self esteem isn't about being perfect, it is about being happy and confident with who you are. One day I know Dani will be happy, I hope each and every one of you will also be happy.
And now a little anecdote on perfection.
I don't like feet.
Don't ask me why, I can't give you an answer, it's just something about them. Will I get over this... Probably not, but I am ok with that.
Today Dani told me she doesn't like feet, we where on the High Speed train from Ebbsfleet. It is little things like this that make her perfect for me.
It is little things like this that show me.
Out of seven billion people.
That one perfect person.
That one perfect girl. (Sorry Sabine Lisicki, Gemma Arterton, Hannah Cockroft, etc)
Is Dani.
PS - On the camera thing Dan, if you stop deleting my favourite pictures I may be more reasonable with taking photos. You know the ones I mean. Where I focus in on... Oh yeah, your sisters read this...
As if I needed any more evidence that you are the perfect one for me :) thank you always xxxxx
DeleteThis is pretty much the most perfect monologue comment I've ever read. Go Jon :)
ReplyDeleteDani, I think you're right about the idea that blogging can encourage a censorship of life that can be harmful. I think its important to remember that no matter how perfect someone looks in a photo, we are all real people with real things we feel awkward or uncomfortable about in our appearance. I think you are bold to raise this issue and it was a really well written piece.
x
Thank you for reading Martha :) I really do think it's an issue these days, not just in blogging but extends to Facebook and other social media as well - there's this unattainable ideal everyone strives to reach and in the striving we forget what is really important! I think I'm going to try and make this more of an "honest" blog, maybe not quite warts-and-all but certainly more everyday :) xx
DeleteAs a photographer I think everyone has a little something special about them, to make aesthetically pleasing photos for a "girl" blog it's all about having the right-
ReplyDeletea) knowledge
b) angle
c) material props
and some are more lucky with this than others. The bigger the blog the more oppourtunities you get dropped in your lap too (from prs, events, etc).
Also, I think you're beautiful. There's something that shines out from your photos that happens in photos I take of my best friend.
I try not to give a fuck about what people think of what I look like. This hasn't been the case for long but I've realised it's not worth the hassle worrying.
xxxx